I surrender....

I surrender. I quit. I can no longer stand trying to take on the weight of this adoption process. The last 2 days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. And today has been no different! Maybe it is because I have finished our dossier in record time. Maybe it is because I can be a control freak. Maybe it is because I am a mom who is in her late 40's who is hormonal! Maybe it is in fact all of the above! I finally broke today. Broke down and cried. Broke down and emailed my coordinator with frantic words. And maybe, just maybe, and that is a BIG maybe, it is the devil at me.Yes, it is SATAN! And he has been at me all week! We have been waiting for our fingerprinting appointment for 2 weeks. It has been setting me CRAZY! Each day I darn near attack our poor mailman, and every day is the same...NO APPOINTMENT LETTER! Well, today I could not take it any more! SOOOO, I called the USCIS office in Missouri.I spoke to a very nice officer by the name of James. He preceded to tell me that "YES, you are to be printed on AUG 18th in LOUISVILLE." WHAT?????? AUG 18th????? That is still 3 weeks away!!!!!!!!!!! I lost it. I could not deal with another 3 weeks! UGH!

Now friends, here is where the story gets interesting. The first thing I do when I get up is flip on my radio. My radio is always on K-LOVE. When I flipped on the radio this morning my favorite song by Josh Wilson was playing. The  song is titled DARK BEFORE THE MORNING. The first time I ever heard it, I fell in love with it! The words were so profound. As the day progressed I got more depressed and aggravated about our appt. I had to run some errands, so I get in my van, and guess what song is playing on the radio? The same song! I get home, turn on the radio a few hours later, and there it is again!! So I began to wonder..." Is HE trying to convey something to me through my fav. song?" So I get on You Tube and type in Josh Wilson. WELL, up pops a link to Josh on Facebook! SWEET! I quickly join his group on facebook, and up pops a video. It is Josh explaining how he came up with the words to Dark Before the Morning. He began to explain how his friend had to put his complete trust in GOD when he was faced with being told his unborn son would be better off if he and his wife would abort him. The man went on to explain that they chose NOT to abort,and how GOD has used their son who was not to live past birth, for the last 8 years. He said something so profound that I felt so ashamed of myself for trying to be in control of a situation that I have no control over. The man said, "If I trust GOD with my eternity, then I MUST trust him with my son!" WOW! What a profound statement. At that moment I finally asked GOD to forgive me for trying to do HIS job. I surrendered. I to undertood that if I trusted GOD with my eternity, and I most certainly do, then I had to put this adoption back in his hands. His hands were ALWAYS in it...I just tried to interfere!  There is a verse in the song that says that all the pain that we have been facing, is nothing to the joy that is coming. I started to think about the JOY that I will be feeling when my precious Eli is placed in my arms...and yes, the JOY is coming! GOD is holding my precious boy. He has always been holding him. And while I wait, it is just the dark before the morning!